NewEgg to buy Dell

During an unusually long night of drinking, an unreliable acquaintance of a TG Daily reporter’s neighbor was heard to slur, "NewEgg just bought Dell !" This publication immediately contacted NewEgg and spoke with the operator at its regional headquarters in Paramaribo, Suriname.

The language barrier was, at first, an issue, but once we decided to ignore the complications of trying to understand what was being said, we were able to get the following quotes from NewEgg’s spokeswoman in Suriname :

"Dell was a nice target for us. They just spend an awful lot of time putting their name on stuff that we can get out of Asia with super cool names like Xion, and Atrix. All that extra branded packaging and materials Dell makes is not good for the environment. We just box it and ship it. It’s, like, way simple, dude.

Ooh, and we can sell Alienware to Falcon Northwest because, like, it ain’t that difficult to build your own high performance PC. You don’t need a bunch of UFO fanatics to figure it out for you, and you don’t need a couple of suits and a CMO to realize that if you put four graphics cards together in a PC it’s going to be worth more than one. We sell lots of graphics cards. I mean, lots !

The toilet on the third floor in accountancy is blocked and I can’t get maintenance to fix it, but I don’t see why it is my job to sort it out. I have to go help my sister at six tonight, and that means I have to catch the five fifteen bus downtown. I have to go, really."

A Dell source would only speak to us on condition of anonymity, "I have been waiting for years for someone to figure out how to order computer stuff online and get it shipped out to them directly. I knew that the jig was going to be up sometime, sooner or later. It really is a load off my mind. I spent a long time feeling like a fraud. A really, really, really rich fraud, but hey, that’s life. Anyhow, NewEgg is welcome to take the whole damn thing. I’m rich - did I say that already - and it’s time I finally went into medicine, just like the family wanted me to. You think I can buy Harvard ? I don’t want to go anywhere really cheap, and mess up my suits. I have a lot of suits. I mean, lots !"

Many corporate users, however, are feeling a little concerned about the purchase. The Institute of Information Executives (IIE) put out an official bulletin to its members asking for guidance on formulating a response to NewEgg. The bulletin asks the IIE’s membership to offer their opinions on the impact of neon case mods in the workplace, and the efficacy of dual screen set-ups for B&W2. An IIE spokesperson told TG Daily that the organization is afraid that individuality, and designs that don’t include beige as their overriding theme, will creep into the workplace making it almost impossible for IT departments to wear non-techies down.

In further news, one notorious, lovelorn online hack has offered to tour Dell’s facilities, write an article about it, and to offer his services to China in formulating a strategy that will make it almost impossible for anyone from Tom’s Hardware to ever have access to any hardware from anywhere at any time. China is giving his suggestions serious thought.

Post acquisition, NewEgg/Dell will be called KaChing Booyah. We will bring you more news on this acquisition as it breaks.

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