The New Year is:

a time of new opportunities a rekindling of life's fire the turning over a new leaf the dawning of a brand spanking, bright new day a makeover for the soul a lot of other phtooey

Often, it is a sign that another year has flown by and you have gotten no nearer to achieving even one hundreth of what you had hoped to achieve the previous year, and the realization that your life is ebbing away may be just too much to bear, which leads to depression, anxiety, and a lot of overeating, which makes you sad and fat, which is exactly what you promised to avoid in 2002, and didn't.

The circle of life can suck, but there's a glimmer of hope. Prognostication based on the ancient science of astrology, as practiced by telephone soothsayers the world over.

This is our gift to you this holiday season: the gift of foresight.

Is It Your Birthday Today

Years of having your parents drag themselves through your birthday sporting a hangover have left you bitter and bent on revenge. Well, you are in luck: 2003 doesn't hold much promise for you. It's definitely going to be a year filled with little to laugh about for you starting-line Capricorns. So, go ahead, berate your parents, send them to an old folks home and forget to visit, or just plain disappoint them by continuing on your present course in life. Who said they had to get drunk on Mumms every year anyhow?