• Sylvester Stallone Launches New WiFi Standard
RESEDA, CA – With a slew of wireless fidelity standards already making purchasing a new router a complete headache, Earth’s greatest living actor, Sylvester Stallone, has decided to throw his gloves in the ring and compete against the likes of Linksys and Motorola for the undisputed title of Internet router champion of the world.
‘SlyFi’, as he’s calling it, will be capable of transferring up to 1GB in less than 12 parsecs.
“I just thought, hey, you know, like, I just finished shootin’ The Expendables so I’m done with movies for a while,” commented Stallone, star of such memorable movies as Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Over the Top, and Rocky V, while eating a bacon cheeseburger at a Carl’s, Jr. in Reseda. “And, you know, I wanted to stay, like, uh, relevant in today’s ever-changing world of technology,”
The SlyFi wireless standard will initially be licensed only to Stallone’s technology development startup company First Internet Systems Technology, or F.I.S.T.
“I got this guy, Walter P. Martishius – he did the art direction on Demolition Man – to design the router,” Stallone boasted. “I had to sit down and he did this, uh, plaster cast of my chest and biceps that he based it on.” The router is, indeed, shaped like his impressively hairless chest and rope-veined arms, with LED indicator lights in the nipples.
Not to be outdone by Stallone’s SlyFi, Cisco’s router manufacturing branch Linksys has copy-protected no less than three new wireless standards, including GuyFi, a low-spectrum standard aimed to work exclusively with desperately single women’s computers, CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children, and HawaiiFi-O, which needs no explanation.
The SlyFi standard should be approved by August, and will coincide with a release of the exclusive SlyFi router at Planet Hollywood locations worldwide.
[• This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]
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I'm not sure what's sadder - the low level of humour in some of these stories or the fact that every single one has the "this is marked as entertainment" disclaimer.
We're UK readers - we're not as gullible, thick or lawsuit-happy as our colonial cousins.
MePhurron, thank you for stereotyping Americans. You are obviously much better than what you describe and have no prejudice. I am being sarcastic, but of course you know that because you are not American.
Did I miss the announcement of Tom's becoming a dumb humor site instead of a proper "everything-to-do-with-computers-site"?
Why file these things under news, and not entertainment or whatever you want to call this? Quite annoying. Maybe put the disclaimer above the article so i can be spared the effort to shut down half my brain to laugh at this stuff.
@ Greg, i think LePhuron was spot on. A lot of American humor is just about being loud and makin an *ss of oneselves.
Before you accuse me of being British, I'm Dutch. So bring on the stereotypical Dutch jokes......
Why doesn't Toms put this effort into something we want, like games reviews?
Why doesn't Toms put this effort into something we want, like games reviews?
I don't
Maybe if you had been a member for longer then 11 days you might give a damn.
WTF is happening to toms? I really couldnt give a toss about all these 'humour' stories that have been appearing lately, I used to read toms mainly to get a daily update on whats happening and to answer some questions on the forums, now i have to filter thorugh a load of tosh to find anything worth reading....
Maybe if you had been a member for longer then 11 days you might give a damn.
I've been reading Toms for 3 years. I've not bothered registering because the forum isn't that useful. So I'll say again... I don't want games reviews on Toms, for that I go elsewhere.
Go elsewhere.
Go elsewhere.
Yeh I just said that I do...
Exactly
Martin-S, I feel no need to make fun of any country. To stereotype American humor as simply loud and making an *ss of oneself would be the same as saying all British humor is slapstick and crude (aka Monty Python). Actually, I enjoy Monty Python, but I think you get my point. Besides, if you read the comments for these "humor post" on the colonial side of Tom's Hardware, you will notice just as much distaste for the jokes as on the British side.
LePhuronn what a true Brit, not a bit self-righteous or stuck up. Just makes me tingle with pride.
p.s. I'm English but not a tit, I leave that to the others.
Did I miss the announcement of Tom's becoming a dumb humor site instead of a proper "everything-to-do-with-computers-site"?Why file these things under news, and not entertainment or whatever you want to call this? Quite annoying.
I couldn't agree more.. Tom's used to be a great source for daily tech updates, now it's turned to poor attempts at humour to try and keep readers. Come on Tom's, wise up and go back to being a decent tech news site.
Ohhh I see what you did there. You took the bit of the word "Wi" and found it rhymed with "Sly". Glad you didn't go the "Bi" thing. That would have been awkward. Hmm - didn't want to go with the "Bi-Fi" thing? Hmm? Hmm?
/ Stewie
Whats the point?
This is just an awful attempt at humor.
"‘SlyFi’, as he’s calling it, will be capable of transferring up to 1GB in less than 12 parsecs."
I stopped reading it after that line. A parsec is a unit of distance, not time, and completely ruining any attempt the article had at being humorous.
Adam
This just made my day, thanks guys. Even the morons trying to take this too far and are totally stuck up probably cos their virtual/fake g/f dumped them on facebook or something like that - for the rest of us, well, we have real g/f who live local and visit EVERY single day so we ain't frustrated and up in arms with others.
Peace, Jesus don't love you no more! Ha, ha, ha.
Jon.