The End User License Agreement. You probably have grown accustomed to clicking through on these when installing new software, so accustomed that you don't even read them anymore. Well, we have and here are some of our favourites. We also present them with simultaneous plain English translations.

There are in fact clauses within EULA's, including a number by Microsoft in the MS XML and SQL Server EULA's, which state that [you] may not without Microsoft's prior written approval disclose to any third party the results of any benchmark test.

In other news, half the staff of Tom's Hardware Guide have been sued, arrested, jailed and hit on by their cell mates.

Free speech? Heh, not bloody likely under the EULA... man.

Do not use this product with other vendors products

The reason that software vendors don't want you or I to use a program in conjunction with another one is so that for example you don't go out with a packet sniffer to discover all that malicious spy and adware running alongside the piece of software you've just installed.

For example take a Claria EULA:

You agree that you will not use, or encourage others to use, any unauthorized means for the removal of the GAIN AdServer, or any GAIN-Supported Software from a computer . . . Any use of a packet sniffer or other device to intercept or access communications between GP and the GAIN AdServer is strictly prohibited.

Oh, and by the by, "sniffer" is a trademarked word, guys.

When your computer dies, it's not our problem

Oh, well, this is reassuring. "We're pretty confident in our software, but if it happens to entirely accidentally turn your machine into a cold fusion reactor and open up a hole in space, you cannot, we repeat, cannot hold us responsible."

As an example, let's look at a typical clause in the Windows XP EULA:

Except for any refund elected by Microsoft, YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES, if the Software does not meet Microsoft's Limited Warranty, and, to the maximum extent allowed by applicable law, even if any remedy fails of its essential purpose.

Dude, where's my computer...? Well don't ask Microsoft, that's for sure.