McKenna's LAN Laws

Ahh, LAN parties. After highlighting the virtues of desktop replacement notebooks by dragging one off to a LAN I figured it might be a good a time as any to give a rough ’n ready guide to LAN’age, be you a participant, an organiser or just one of those people who stands around after a car crash wondering what you should do. (This can sum up some LAN’s quite well...)

If you’re heading off to one of those fancy newfangled large and well organised LAN parties then good on you, you may avoid about 90% of the fun and frolicking. Personally I view LAN parties as a sacred ad-hoc affair ; to be carried out by people who just don’t quite know what they’re doing so as to introduce that bit of spice that makes all things nice.

So, without further ado, McKenna’s LAN Laws :

Location, Location, Location... preferably a detached location, not presently inhabited by wives, girlfriends or mothers. However, not too remote, lest someone take a lost Counter-Strike match the wrong way and you’re all found scattered around the wilderness... Alright, so a modicum of planning is advisable... just make sure there are enough tables and chairs, as having to form a human pyramid to play Rise of Nations is no joy let me tell you. Have cable, crimpers and all the usual wiring paraphernalia on hand ; though stash it somewhere safe after everyone is set up. Being strangled with Ethernet cable at 2am is no joy either. We don’t take jerks, please ! Any annoying people may only be invited if the purpose is to conduct Battlefield Medic Raping on them (in Battlefield, mind you - we’ll get to the real life debauchery soon enough...) Never spend that amount of time, on caffeine or alcohol as you may prefer, with someone you don’t get along with. Atmosphere is everything ! When you arrive... Set out your stall quickly. Get the machine hooked up, complain to whomever knows their way around the network that it’s not working, click some buttons and grab a comfy chair. The early arrivals usually wind up playing a single player game or some such, but they get the best spots. Yeah, so there’s a shared directory... Odd to find LAN’s without them. Just make sure any folders you’re happy to have shared on a home network remain hidden, lest your trip to the nudist beach on holiday becomes public knowledge. Ohh, and no piracy through said shared directories, you naughty monkey. Scout out the local shops... If there’s a 24 hour place about, all the better. Note down the times that the local fast food places close so as you can nip in a hot dinner, and rely on shops for the caffeine and junk food. Cooking for yourselves ? Ohh mercy... LAN cookery can usually end in either one of two ways : Food poisoning which quickly develops into leprosy, or an explosion. Try it if you dare... Know roughly what you’re doing... In terms of games that is. If your peeps enjoy Age of Empires II, give them a go (heathen gits, Rise of Nations is the way to go.) If you’re playing with friends you’ll have an idea of what they like and don’t like from the outset. If you’re playing with complete strangers, err perhaps you’ve come to the wrong LAN... ? Knife Fights... Ahh yes, the venerable knife fight rounds, where everyone runs around their FPS game of choice attempting to stab one another. Please, take it in good humour when I completely and utterly accidentally wind up switching out my humble knife for a machine gun, and then twitch so much that I put a hundred startlingly accurate rounds into you. It’s this f**king Tourette’s... Take it all in good humour, in fact... I can recall the last time I got a bottle of water poured down my back after a rather violent bout of sneezing during a knife fight which left several players tragically filled with bullets. Please, calm... So... very... tired... Well whatever the hell you do, DON’T FALL ASLEEP ! I say this not out of some macho attempt to look like I can stay the 48 hours, but if you do fall asleep you can be sure that someone will produce a permanent marker from a dark recess and proceed to draw funny pictures on your face. By which I mean penises. I very specifically mean that, in fact. 99.99% of the time, indeed. Don’t look now, but there’s a naked man on your desktop... Ahh yes, the classic old art of sneaking onto someone’s computer while they’re at the shops or in the loo and putting rather risqué pictures on their desktop. Although personally I prefer password protected screensavers, set on at an opportune moment... you have been warned. I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough ! As plenty of you attending LAN parties are under age, PUT THAT BOTTLE OF TEQUILA AWAY ! Or at least give it to me... Getting smashed at a LAN party is a dubious affair, if only because of the rather practical reasons, such as the fact that you’re bound to fall asleep, get drawn on and wake up bleary eyed to some very funny desktop pictures. If they’re of yourself, taken earlier that evening, then you’re really in trouble. The midnight ramble... So everyone needs to stretch their legs, and when better to do it than at 3am ? The phrases "This can only end well" and "What could possibly go wrong ?" spring immediately to mind. Try not to break anyone else’s legs, wake up the neighbours, wake up the neighbours Rottweiler (funny story that, must tell you sometime...) or get arrested (...even funnier story...) Its gotta end sometime... Horror stories about South Korean chaps going 50 hours in LAN café’s playing World of Warcraft abound... don’t overdo LAN’s at more than 48 hours if you have the stamina. In reality, you’ll get bleary eyed at 20 by most accounts.

So yes, some eclectic rules of doing the LAN party thing. We’re hoping to bring you some more halfway decent stories and features on this great geek pastime in the future. Presuming Rob doesn’t try to cook us anything, of course...